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 Aviation Humor Dauntless Aviation

There's a lot of aviation humor out there on the web. Much of it is quite funny the first eight or nine times you hear it, but unfortunately if you do a search for 'aviation humor' on the web, you're likely to see the same basic list of stuff circulated over and over and over again. So this page exists to highlight bits and pieces that we might come accross in our travels that we haven't seen widely. Understandably, this page will grow with time. Due to our time constraints in maintaining this page coupled with the highly subjective nature of "funny," we ask that you please NOT submit humor to us for this page via email. Additionally, please understand that this is intended to be a humor page -- a little understanding that humor sometimes necessarily offends (but not out of any sort of spite) is apprecaited. Thanks, and enjoy!

The Dauntless Aviation Team

Security Mathers

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Revised Aviation Dictionary

  • ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off
  • ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.
  • BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.
  • BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up
  • CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.
  • "CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.
  • CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centres.
  • CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.
  • CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.
  • DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.
  • DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.
  • ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
  • FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.
  • GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.
  • GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.
  • HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.
  • RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.
  • WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.
  • LANDING FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.


Rules of Flying

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
(Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
(Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")

When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
(Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
(Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of a A-320)






Take your child to work day!



Darwin Award Candidate: How to destroy a million dollar helicopter
(click here for a short video)




Here's a real ad from Japan Air Service (JAS). Note the non stop "FRIGHT"



German Aviation Terms

AIRCRAFT---Der Fliegenwagen

JET TRANSPORT---Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen
Highenfaster Mit All Der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)

PROPELLER---Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster

ENGINE---Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan

JET ENGINE---Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken
Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorsqueezen Und Turbinespinnen
Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)

CONTROL COLUMN---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick

RUDDER PEDALS---Der Tailschwingen Yawmaken Werks

PILOT---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker

PASSENGER---Der Dumbkopf Das Est Strappened En Der Baacken Mit Der Other
Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten To Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und Arriven mit
Der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen

STUDENT PILOT---Der Dumbkopf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen To Jobenfinden Mit
Der Airlinens

FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR---Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs
Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen Fer Der
Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum United

AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT---Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken
Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen

PARACHUTE---Der Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen
Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker Down To Earthen Ven Der Fliegenwagen Est

FAA---Der Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und

Helicopter --- Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist
Fliegen by der Dumbkopfs vas iss too Stupiden for Knowen dees Maschinens ees
not Safen ver Fliegen.



Click here for the full story...



The Copilot

I am the copilot. I sit on the right.
It's up to me to be quick and bright;
I never talk back for I have regrets,
But I have to remember what the Captain forgets.

I make out the Flight Plan and study the weather,
Pull up the gear, stand by to feather;
Make out the mail forms and do the reporting,
And fly the old crate while the Captain is courting.

I take the readings, adjust the power,
Put on the heaters when we're in a shower;
Tell him where we are on the darkest night,
And do all the bookwork without any light.

I call for my Captain and buy him cokes;
I always laugh at his corny jokes,
And once in awhile when his landings are rusty
I always come through with, "By gosh it's gusty!"

All in all I'm a general stooge,
As I sit on the right of the man I call "Scrooge";
I guess you think that is past understanding,
But maybe some day he will give me a landing.

— Keith Murray



the next bunch of stuff is from a certain anonymous bleary-eyed pilot from Corpus Christi...

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