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There's
a lot of aviation humor out there on the web. Much of it is
quite funny the first eight or nine times you hear it, but
unfortunately if you do a search for 'aviation humor' on the
web, you're likely to see the same basic list of stuff circulated
over and over and over again. So this page exists to highlight
bits and pieces that we might come accross in our travels
that we haven't seen widely. Understandably, this page will
grow with time. Due to our time constraints in maintaining
this page coupled with the highly subjective nature of "funny,"
we ask that you please NOT submit humor to us for this page
via email. Additionally, please understand that this is intended
to be a humor page -- a little understanding that humor sometimes
necessarily offends (but not out of any sort of spite) is
apprecaited. Thanks, and enjoy!
The Dauntless Aviation Team
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Security
Mathers
At
Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a
flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and
a graphical calculator.
Authorities
believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He
is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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Revised
Aviation Dictionary
- ALTERNATE
AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway
when the engine quits on take off
- ALTIMETER
SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually
hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument
approach.
- BANK:
The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.
- BI-PLANE:
What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up
- CARBURETOR
ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident
caused by fuel exhaustion.
- "CLEAR":
Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.
- CONTROL
TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government
pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are
sent to centres.
- CRITICAL
ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.
- CRITICAL
ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to
be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance
shop.
- DEAD
RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.
- DE-ICER:
A device designed to operate under all weather conditions,
except icing.
- ENGINE
FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks
become filled with air.
- FIREWALL:
Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine
heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.
- GLIDING
DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position
to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete
power failure.
- GROSS
WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus
an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag,
bowling ball, and diving weights.
- HOLDING
PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress
over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.
- RANGE:
Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become
filled with air.
- WALKAROUND:
What you do when waiting for weather to clear.
- LANDING
FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.
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Rules of Flying
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something
was forgotten.
(Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")
Just remember, if you crash because of weather,
your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
(Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to
strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly
and gently as possible.
(Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)
The Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't
flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the
thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't
cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall
Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)
You've never been lost until you've been lost
at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver
than you.
(Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm
in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)
The three best things in life are a good landing,
a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier
landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get
to experience all three at the same time.
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching
TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass
cockpit' of a A-320)
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Darwin
Award Candidate: How to destroy a million dollar helicopter
(click here for a short video)
Here's a real ad from Japan Air Service (JAS). Note
the non stop "FRIGHT"
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German
Aviation Terms
AIRCRAFT---Der
Fliegenwagen
JET
TRANSPORT---Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen
Highenfaster Mit All Der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)
PROPELLER---Der
Airfloggen Pushenthruster
ENGINE---Der
Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan
Pushenthruster
JET
ENGINE---Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken
Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorsqueezen Und Turbinespinnen
Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)
CONTROL
COLUMN---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick
RUDDER
PEDALS---Der Tailschwingen Yawmaken Werks
PILOT---Der
Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker
PASSENGER---Der
Dumbkopf Das Est Strappened En Der Baacken Mit Der Other
Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten To Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und
Arriven mit
Der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen
STUDENT
PILOT---Der Dumbkopf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen To Jobenfinden
Mit
Der Airlinens
FLIGHT
INSTRUCTOR---Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs
Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen
Fer Der
Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum United
AIRLINE
TRANSPORT PILOT---Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken
Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen
PARACHUTE---Der
Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen
Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker Down To Earthen Ven Der Fliegenwagen
Est
Kaputen
FAA---Der
Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und
Regulations
Helicopter
--- Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist
Fliegen by der Dumbkopfs vas iss too Stupiden for Knowen dees
Maschinens ees
not Safen ver Fliegen.
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Copilot
I
am the copilot. I sit on the right.
It's up to me to be quick and bright;
I never talk back for I have regrets,
But I have to remember what the Captain forgets.
I
make out the Flight Plan and study the weather,
Pull up the gear, stand by to feather;
Make out the mail forms and do the reporting,
And fly the old crate while the Captain is courting.
I
take the readings, adjust the power,
Put on the heaters when we're in a shower;
Tell him where we are on the darkest night,
And do all the bookwork without any light.
I
call for my Captain and buy him cokes;
I always laugh at his corny jokes,
And once in awhile when his landings are rusty
I always come through with, "By gosh it's gusty!"
All
in all I'm a general stooge,
As I sit on the right of the man I call "Scrooge";
I guess you think that is past understanding,
But maybe some day he will give me a landing.
—
Keith Murray
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the next bunch of stuff is from a certain anonymous
bleary-eyed pilot from Corpus Christi...
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